Watching Myself Fail

There I was, watching myself try and talk about my depression. The problem was the medication I was taking to help with my sleep deprivation (caused by my depression- irony) was causing me to be all spaced out. I couldn’t carry out a sentence without drifting off and looking out the window.

Well, if I couldn’t get the words out at least you could see what it looked like. The uncertainty on my face, constantly looking down and away. The constant wrinkling of my forehead thinking about how this wasn’t working out how I hoped it would.

I wanted to introduce myself to people, to show them why I do what I do, what I really deal with on a daily basis. I wanted people to understand that it’s like this fog that covers your body, slows you down when you want to move, makes it harder to think, to eat, to sleep, to live.

I also wanted people to understand that it makes you strong. It’s not just fog, it’s like strapping weights to your body. The longer you carry that weight around the stronger your muscles get. Eventually, they fatigue and you can’t be as strong. But that break gives your body time to repair. It’s a lot of up and down.

One of the greatest things I’ve learned in my life is to enjoy it. Good days are sometimes hard to come by and so when I get them I savour them. Focus on what you’re doing, seeing, feeling… Don’t let yourself say “that went by so quickly I hardly remember it” . When you can, be passionate about life.

I know I’ll get my video out eventually, and hopefully, my intention and purpose will be clear, and you’ll understand that I’m open about my struggles so that others realize they can be too.

One step at a time.

One day at a time.

“just keep swimming” – Dory


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