There’s this thing called life and it feels like it always gets in the way of itself. It’s like you have a plan but it never goes how you hope or expected. Do we expect too much of ourselves? Put too much on our plate? There are so many circumstances that affect how all the gears of life churn together.
The last few years have been exceptionally challenging for me. I had fallen into a deep depression and I was in complete denial.
Was my passivity a matter of inner turmoil and deep unhappiness? NO of course not! Couldn’t be, what did I have to be unhappy about?! Nothing! In theory my life was perfect. I had a loving family, an incredible boyfriend, a job I was relatively content with, friends, basic human needs… So what was wrong with me?
I told myself: this is just how I am.
But there was trouble in this statement: I wasn’t always this way. I remembered once being a force that would work and work at what she wanted. Being diligent and aggressive in my goals yet knew when to walk away from things. I remember when I would work tirelessly at a task even if I hadn’t yet seen results. I would chip away at the wall between me and my goals until I flooded over to the other side… Yet now, here I was feeling lost, uncertain, confused, feeling like I truly had zero purpose, in a continuous loop with no way out. Hopeless.
Rumination: it’s a sneaky side effect of depression that catches you off guard. A creeping seed of doubt that plants itself in your innermost being and ever so slowly blooms until it’s taken up every inch of the cavity that was once your former self.
I could not put this off any longer, I made an appointment with my doctor. We re-evaluated certain aspects of my life, medicinal, etc. Feeling like I had an ally in my corner was a good foundation. But to get back to who I once was I had to take the next BIG steps. A girl who craved knowledge and fun, someone who enjoyed all the peculiarities that life had to offer.
Knowing it’s time to pull myself up by my bootstraps I started going through past notes & notebooks trying to re-establish my familiarities of ‘before’. So here I am.
I recently opened up my ‘Stickies’ app in an attempt to see what I had previously been up to or writing about and I found something that once helped me: my thoughts. (keep reading I promise this will make sense)
Most days I overwhelm myself, without specific guidance or routine my thoughts get jumbled, throw in some emotion and it’s easy to snowball. This may seem like the most rudimentary concept but I type my thoughts out, I have a sticky that has a couple of basic questions to prompt my ability to empty out my brain. I had really forgotten how incredibly helpful this once was and I’m now trying to re-establish this former habit.
If you’re having any type of troubles that you are thinking of incessantly, writing them down can be just the ticket. It’s such a basic concept.
Here’s an example of this technique but in a different more common circumstance: If you know all of the things you have to do and you keep thinking of them over and over it may become overwhelming. But write them down and it becomes tangible, quantifiable in seeing how many things you actually have to do. You can look and see what it is you have to do, it’s right there in front of you.
I wanted to share what I’ve been going through and what was finally helping me because in all honesty it’s been bad. The last 4 years, at minimum (likely closer to 6), a fake smile plastered on my face, pretending as though everything was okay; acting as though I knew what I was doing, acting like I gave a shit about so many things that normally I would/do care about.
I’m slowly getting my footing back. It hasn’t been easy that’s for sure, but being in denial really isn’t going to do any good. I’m trying to take back my life, there will certainly be days where I’m pushed back a step or two but this article is a way of allowing me to “pass go and collect a 200$”, it’s a way to launch me forward a little.
So off I go,