Why is my birthday a day that I don’t look forward to? I don’t resent it but I feel a sort of indifference for this annual ‘celebration’. I’m of course so grateful for another year of health, my family, and loved ones but having a day to be celebrated without accomplishment or achievement almost seems silly. (maybe it’s my depression talking)
I’m someone who has a chronic feeling of inadequacy; constantly comparing or putting pressure on myself based on what society has essentially deemed as successful.
Upon some deeper reflection, I realized that technically it’s not society putting pressure on me- it’s me. Yes, society, through media and just popular opinion has outlined what the masses seem to deem acceptable, or the picture of success, but society itself cannot pressure me. Society isn’t one person telling me that I should be conforming to these standards it’s my own monologue that mirrors these expectations I hear and see every day.
It really comes down to: I can only control my thoughts.
Yes, society is spewing these standards upon us but we must recognize that we’re the decision-makers in how this information is processed.
I’m sure many of my Diary posts seem to fall within this strange mentality but it’s a very big part of my life that I find myself constantly working and struggling to overcome.
I never feel good enough, I never feel pretty enough, smart enough, skinny enough, perky enough. I guess you could say I feel as though I’m always falling short because tbh I have no idea wtf I’m doing right now.
I’m blindlessly feeling around trying to cross this pitch-black room called life.
While birthdays are a day where people you may not have spoken to in some time contact you, sometimes those interactions can be anxiety-riddled. They’ll ask you what you’ve been up to, and you fear that your answers won’t fall within that frame of success.
For me, birthdays are a day of reflection- each year a milestone.
This year in the hopes of championing my own self-growth and love I’ve decided I’m turning Twenty-Great not eight. Fuck numbers. Twenty Great will be my mantra this year. A reminder that I am strong, I am enough, I am amazing and creative and I will control my own narrative. Twenty Great is the reminder, the boost, the kick in the ass when I’m feeling low.
This year, the intensity of these feelings caught me off guard and I knew I needed to shift my perspective. The metamorphosis of my new age into a mantra is allowing me to reclaim this event.